HORRORSCOPE, Stars

Bisque Boy 5000

aries

March 20th –  April 19th

It’s Sunday, your housemates have all gone to Church, and you would like to spend some time with your beautiful body, 40% of which you lost when you fell into a tank of kraken at the aquarium last year.

You can still feel the contours where their busy tentacles spirited away your skin like milksteak at a buffet. You can still hear the sound of moving water when you tilt your head. You consider going to the beach but remember the local paper incorrectly said you were attacked by lobster and not kraken, and the people will give you a hard time, saying things like “Bisque Boy 5000” or “Marvin Cray” .

No, it’s better to stay in, with the trial subscription to Ancestry.com, the popular period drama White People In Pantaloons Walking, and the noise of the outside world slowly simmering down into a poisoned mussel risotto.

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